Minor Speculum

Manning Disappears During Quest for Peace

By Nykamp

HARTFORD, MI- There was never any doubt that the one thing Brad Manning wanted to see in his lifetime was peace on our spectacular planet, Earth, the third planet from the sun. What is in doubt is the location of his human remains, and whether they are a whole unit, or if they are in little pieces, like the peanut bits found in Jiff crunchy peanut butter.

“I don’t know man, I’m just so fucking nervous right now,” says long-time friend Scott Nykamp, adding, “I just hope he’s fucking alive man, because, man, it would suck so bad if he wasn’t, ya know?” Yes, Mr. Nykamp, we know.

It’s hardly an understatement saying that Brad Manning was the most beloved sunuvabitch in Hartford. A first-year middle school English teacher, Manning has always vowed to give back to the community. However, he’s been so charitable recently that his friends were wondering what was next.

Lawrence Larsen II was also a close friend of Brad’s. Recently they had conjured up the blue prints to form the Hartford Literary Society, a movement set forth in motion by none other than Brad Manning. Larsen agrees in regards to the recent philanthropic antics of Manning:

“That fucking guy, Jesus Christ, he’s just been too fucking good lately, too fucking good. When he told me about QUEER (Quest to Unite and Evaluate Equality Relations), I could tell he was serious. The dude was so hot for QUEER, and how can you really blame him.”

No one knows precisely where Brad started his venture, where he planned to go on his second or third stops, or even his eighth stop. However, his close friends have identified the following as potential stops: Little Rock, Arkansas; Ciudad Juarez, Mexico; Baltimore, Maryland; and Spain.

Director/writer/actor Quentin Tarantino was a long-time friend of Manning’s, and they frequently vacationed together, quietly, at a top-secret location on the Pacific Northwest coast. Tarantino’s take:

“I can recall one of the last true conversations I had with Bradley. We were discussing some of the characters of my films, because he truly loved many of the characters of my films, and we discussed 16 of his favorite characters. He thought that Jules was just such a profound man, the way he decided to walk the earth. That really resonated with him; he just thought that (etc.).”

Brad Manning’s only fault as a man was that he cared too much. It is an utter, disgusting, pig-fucking shame that he can’t remain with us all, for the entirety of this miraculous nation, preserved for all to cherish, like a precious metal displayed at the Smithsonian.

NOTE: If anyone has any information in regards to Brad Manning’s whereabouts, please contact the Hartford Police Department, who will transfer you directly to the Van Buren County Sheriff’s Department, who will then immediately patch you into the nearest Michigan State Police Post. If that post is still staffed, they will contact the Federal Bureau of Investigation, who has been working relentlessly on this case since January first.

Tags: Manning Scott

Jan 04, 2010 • Humor, Nostalgia