About Us Page
To Tess Lynch (wherever you are…)
IF you are reading this: You have found us. This (minorspeculum.com) is our little sliver of Cyber Space. Four out of five of us live in a snow capped (about 3 ft. right now) bubble inside of a glove. We all want the Cubs to win the series.
About the Authors
FHF = Facial Hair Factor (Volume * Surface Area / Location + Shape)
Jared FHF = 0.0 (clean shaven)
Attributes/skills:
Spend money
Various lawyerings
19 acts of identity fraud on this website alone!
Is a real man, if there ever was one
Communes with a Goddess
wants: ivy league law school acceptance
needs: answers to be found in Dexter season five next fall
aspirations: work in television
Brad FHF = 6.7 (sparse goatee)
Attributes/skills:
8th grade English teachings
Poetry slam
Hasn’t read this site in days
Prefers Monday Night RAW to Friday Night Smack Down
Home owner
wants: writings to be published
needs: MORE Earlytimes
aspirations: replica Wrigley Field back yard
Mattner FHF = 3.8 (wicked ‘burns)
Attributes/skills:
Coffee table build
Only author with a picture of himself
Pet owner X3
LEGO pirate ship
Bass guitar slap
wants: Libertarian views taken seriously
needs: Thomas Deneau to pay for bathroom remodel
aspirations: foray into politics
Scott FHF = 9.1 (full beard capable)
Attributes/skills:
“…knew a guy once…”
“Crash” reference
NO weaknesses
Oscar® trivia
Coyote kill
wants: Elizabeth Shue (only if she’s into anal)
needs: employment
aspirations: share a house with Larry in the Hampton’s
Larry FHF = 8.9 (full beard capable)
Attributes/skills:
In a fake band
Summon night foxes
Shows potential
Owner of a lonely heart
Band name generator
wants: Cursive to perform “The Ugly Organ” in its entirety live if I ever see them
needs: The Blood Brothers to re-form
aspirations: share a house with Scott in the Hampton’s
That is all. Welcome to the greatest mother-fuckin page on Earth.
Mike • 2 years ago
I think that I really need a staircase more suitable for my metal slinky.
Mike • 2 years ago
Oh, and hi Tess, if you’ve come back.
Tess Lynch • 2 years ago
Hi! I feel really important. I can take care of most of your wants and needs, other than the Libertarian. I can’t help you there.
brad • 2 years ago
This is a truly accurate depiction of Brad. It is humbling to see Brad so accurately labeled, much like a Mel Gibson directed movie except it is cheaper and in English. Larry! I can’t express how simply put this is so I just wrote your name. Larry. Larry.
Larry • 2 years ago
Brad – i can’t tell if you are being sarcastic?
Nykamp • 2 years ago
Larry… what did you do?
Brad • 2 years ago
I’m sorry Larry I didn’t mean to come across as sarcastic. I hadn’t posted any replies and I tried to sound intelligent. I apologize. I would like to get together and talk writing. I have an amazing gonzo like idea we need to discuss.
Larry • 2 years ago
Here is my idea: 4 of us try and write
something together. Scott will handle dialogue, characters. Mattner will cover allegorical aspects of the story and editing. Brad you and I will collaborate on scene and summary and mood and bring together all of the elements. Maybe we can do a script for a graphic novel, or film
Larry • 2 years ago
Aww brad you did sound intelligent. Don’t be sorry. I misunderstood is all.
I hoped you all found the piece funny.
Mike • 2 years ago
Quite, though I think my sideburns deserved a little higher FHF.
I like your idea:
Nykamp • 2 years ago
Larry: I’m down.
The FHF: I do believe, although it’s subjective (unless a strict list of criteria can be formed and agreed upon) that overall quality needs to be taken into account. I like both Mike’s burns and Brad’s… stuff. However, no offense to Brad, Mike’s overall product may be of a higher quality. In addition, my full beard isn’t nearly as thick as Larry’s, and is a bit patchy. Mike and Larry deserve added points.
With that being said, perhaps culture/family and the season can be taken into account, and somehow be rewarded on a scale between (-4) and 4. Now, now, hear me out on this: Most men in my family have a mustache, or goatee. Now, this isn’t necessarily part of the German culture, but it is part of the Nykamp family. Therefore, when I do in fact have a mustache and any other additional facial hair, I could score a potential 2-4 extra points. This will lead to a flucuating score, of course, depending on how impressive it is and how much, it, indeed, relates to my family’s current facial hair.
If one were to grow a full length beard during the middle of summer, unless binded by family or cultural obligation, he could be added (or subtracted I suppose)a potential (-2)through (-4), since a beard of that magnitude is downright unnecessary and suicidal during the summer months. However, that beard could potentially garner bonus points in the winter.
Schaser • 2 years ago
Larry I love you! This post made my day brighter and much more tolerable. I lost all control and “LOL’ed” in the middle of my espanol lecture. The blank confused eyes of my classmates made my face a bright rosy red as if I had just consumed a bottle of Castillo rum in an hour’s time.
Schaser • 2 years ago
Larry I love you! This post made my day brighter and much more tolerable. I lost all control and “LOL’ed” in the middle of my espanol lecture. The blank confused eyes of my classmates made my face a bright rosy red as if I had just consumed a bottle of Castillo rum in an hour’s time.
larry • 2 years ago
a comment so nice he posted twice
larry • 2 years ago
i think mike should make this the official about us page so everyone can read it when they stumble onto this site
Kevin Romeo • 2 years ago
Larry, your post is pretty good, although it could be improved in a number of ways. I think your biggest flaw is how you look when you type, which I’m sure is a little pasty with scruffy facial hair and rings under your eyes. I mean, other than that you look great but, I’m just saying, people like healthy skin.
Mike • 2 years ago
Self criticism is healthy.
Kevin Romeo • 2 years ago
Oh, and come check out my band guys. $7 cover gets you in the door, and $15 gets you a shirt.
Scott • 2 years ago
Aren’t you at Fort Benning?
Kevin Romeo • 2 years ago
Yeah dudes. Come there for my band.