Minor Speculum

The Heisman Trophy is a Heaping Pile of Contrived Chimpanzee Shit

By Nykamp

There was a time when the Heisman Trophy went to the most outstanding college football player in the nation. Players from such schools as BYU, Houston, Army, SMU (Doak Walker, anyone?), and Yale have claimed the trophy during its history. Too bad those schools won’t ever even have a player nominated again.

This past Monday evening, the Heisman Trophy Trust of New York City announced the five Heisman finalists: Colt McCoy of Texas, Tim Tebow of Florida, Mark Ingram of Alabama, and two other guys that won’t win the award, but the Trust made finalists in order to save face. You tell me, what are their names?

You see, we live in a sad, sad time when the Heisman winner, more often than not, is little more than Prom King. Seven of the last ten Heisman winners played in the National Championship game. Pure coincidence? What are the odds that seven of the Best players of the past ten years played for the National Championship? I understand the logic; the Best player dramatically leads his team to an undefeated season, and then vies for the championship. Ahh yes, pure poetry.

Well, there’s a problem. A quarterback, running back, or player of any other position that leads his team to the Championship isn’t necessarily great. I know, I know… Blasphemy. There are so many other contributing factors to be considered when speaking of a Championship caliber team. These aren’t considered, however, when the ballots are cast. Instead, votes are based more on sentiment, and the voters are narrow minded. For instance, Pap Sheffield, who votes in the southeast region: “Hellfire! Jimmy McLatterhorn led his team to the national championship game. He completed 58% of his passes, threw for 23 touchdowns and 10 interceptions, and had three fourth-quarter comebacks!!” Aww Snap. What Pap didn’t take into account is the fact that Jimmy has a great supporting cast of senior receivers and running backs. Jimmy’s defense was absolutely devastating; the best and meanest in the country. And, by the way, half of Jimmy’s touchdown passes came in his four non-conference games, at home, against the likes of Akron, Tulane, New Mexico, and Florida Atlantic. Their combined record is 11-37 (thanks to Akron’s impressive 5-7 campaign).

I mention this because of McCoy and Tebow. Both played for teams with ridiculous non-conference schedules. Florida played two ranked teams the whole season, Texas three. While these two senior quarterbacks had pretty good seasons overall, they faltered against good competition. Just look at this past weekend if examples are needed. It seems to me that an Outstanding player would rise to the occasion when playing a good team.

Meanwhile, we have Mark Ingram of Alabama. A sophomore running back on what, in all likelihood, is the best team in the nation. It’s not that he isn’t deserving of the award. He had respectable numbers against some pretty good teams. Overall, he’s one of the best running backs in the nation. But not THE best.

That distinction goes to Toby Gerhart. The bruising, punishing running back for Stanford who probably has the most impressive numbers overall of any position player. His key stats are his 1,736 rushing yards and 26 rushing touchdowns. However, he has also has caught and thrown touchdown passes. Stanford finished 8-4 during an up year in Pac 10. Gerhart was the team. If it weren’t for three close road losses and a home loss to a rival, he’d be the favorite to win the award. However, since his defense couldn’t rise to the occasion at times, and his supporting cast on offense was average at best, he isn’t the most outstanding player in college football.

I guess while we’re here I’ll throw out the last name, eh? Ndamukong Sue is the fifth finalist. Like Toby Gerhart, his dominance alone took Nebraska to the Big 12 championship game, a game he almost single handedly won. He was the motor than ran a machine of destruction, the Blackshirt defense. Although his numbers are superb and he is the best interior lineman in all the land, he can’t win the award. He’s just not… sexy enough. Although Charles Woodson won the award as a defensive player, he also returned punts and occasionally played offense. When Heisman voters compare 82 tackles and 12 sacks to, say, Mark Ingram being the 5th best running back in the country for the number one team, which sounds more appealing?

So here we sit, a day before the most illustrious award in college sports is given. Mark Ingram is lounging in his hotel room in New York City right now in a silk robe drinking a mimosa, while his acceptance speech roles through his head. “I just want to thank God, my mom, and my teammates. Without all of them, this wouldn’t have been possible.” Meanwhile, Toby Gerhart is down the hall, using some of that Stanford knowledge to put together a one-of-a-kind speech that won’t be read. Ndamukong Sue is eating 56 ounces of prime rib. Tebow is leading prayer, and McCoy is giving an aww-shucks interview to an NBC affiliate out of Santa Fe. All the while, the Heisman voters are hunkering down for a long winters nap, while visions of mediocre tailbacks and quarterbacks on top ranked teams dance through their heads.

Tags: Heisman

Dec 11, 2009 • Sports