Minor Speculum

Something Hidden in the Health Care Bill

By Jared

Congressional leaders have placed a rather peculiar piece of law in the health care legislation. If passed, there will be a new agency called the Agency for Birth Oversight Reform and Transition (ABORT).

ABORT is charged with controlling the births of children to parents who do not satisfy a stringent criteria. Hopeful parents would be required to fill out an application, submitting themselves to ABORT review. The agency would use a formula to determine if the parents should be allowed to have a child.

The equation takes into account, among other variables, education level, socioeconomic status, and race. ABORT will also be responsible for maintaining records on all the approved and denied applicants histories. If a couple already has two or more children, they will be less likely to be allowed another.

Enforcing the new policy may raise some unique challenges in modern America. ABORT will be given authority to “terminate pregnancies in applicants who have been denied the right to give birth in any manner the agency sees fit.” This will no doubt spark a debate amongst those who actually care about what others do with their own children.

Finally, there will be a physical examination which will take into account the chances of birth defects, long term health, and even the prospects of how good-looking the child will be. One anonymous official stated that the government “obviously wants to encourage the Brads and Angelinas of the world to vigorously procreate.”

The reported savings on Welfare and Unemployment Insurance are expected to balance the Federal Budget and wipe out the National Deficit within 20 years. This is of course, when the first wave of ABORT approved babies will become adults.

Tags: ABORT Government Health Care

Dec 31, 2009 • Humor, Politics