Minor Speculum

A Tuesday After Intense Cardio

By Nykamp

A recent email I sent to my Friend, verbatim. Tried to mold it into a short story; it wasn’t worth the effort. Enjoy.

So, shit, went 0 for 2 on the day. Took the job hit. Then Erica got on my nerves so fucking bad that I’m staying the night at Bert’s, even though she wanted me to stay. Here are some examples:

- We decided to go see Brothers. I was at her place 2 hours before going. For about 1.5 hours of that, she was sending texts, and various other messages. Then she did that shit where she would tell me everybody else’s comments on something she said on facebook. “I was like, ‘you were wearing a helmet because you ride the short bus,’ then jason was like, ‘what the hell man?’ and then bruce was like, ‘yeah, short bus, lmao……” I didn’t find any of it funny. She laughed her ass off.

- I turned the tv to Jeopardy. She repeatedly told me how the show was stupid. Before the final question, she asked if I would mind if she changed it. I say be my guest. She changes it to MTV, and fuckin Jersey shores. The worst part is, she wasn’t even watching it, she was texting her balls off. She asks me if I’ve ever watched the show. I say, “I haven’t watched MTV since I was in elementary school.” Afterwards, we watched some goddamn dance show Fox. I watched that is. She texted.

- She only wanted to go if I warmed up my truck and pulled it up to the door, stating, “that’s the gentleman thing to do.”

- We went to Walmart. She had to piss because she was slamming cocktails before we left. She was doing the “pee-pee dance” as she called it. Same shit as a fucking child would do, dancing and squirming around because she had to piss. She needed to pick up TWO things REAL QUICK. Mind you when we pulled into walmart, there was 12 minutes before the movie started. She ended up getting about 17 things. And we were late to the goddamn movie.

- When we get there, she was being really fucking rude, and a total fucking bitch, because some guy was trying to buy a couple of gift cards. Embaressed the shit out of me. The employee pointed to the machine where you can swipe and buy your ticket. She’s too dumb to work the thing. She talks shit to it. Further embaressment. The guy leaves the line, I go there to buy my ticket. I apologize profusely under my breath. The employee says he’s sorry. I say, no man, you don’t have to apologize for anything. Jesus christ.

- She decides after 15 minutes that the movie sucks. Commence texting. She says out loud, and to the “people” next to us, “this movie is sooooo slow. this movie sucks.” Once again, I’m embaressed.

- I can hardly enjoy movie, due to her and the “people”. The best part was when she didn’t say or do a fucking thing and curled up and snuggled up to my arm. I thought, this shit could work out after all. It didn’t. With about 20 minutes left in the film, she said loud enough so the entire goddamn theater could hear, “I can’t believe how much this movie sucks.”

- I’m going 35 mph in a 30 on the way back in St Joe. She says fairly snide- I’d slow down, the St Joe cops are assholes. I say back (she has 2 dui’s in st joe) “I’ll be fine. I’m not drunk.” I didn’t get pulled over.

- She tells me that prostate and colon cancer are the same thing. I disagree. (my grandfather has a slew of cancer) She says that she’s going into nursing, she knows. I say – that’s not what the doctors at the hospital told me. She says that, no, your grandfather only has one type of cancer. She tried convincing me that he has melanoma. He doesn’t.

- By the time of arrival at her place, I’d had enough. I helped carry groceries in. Told her that I had to go, have a lot on my mind with the job thing and all. Needed a long, country drive home to clear my mind. She looked disappointed that I wasn’t staying. She starts with some religious bullshit. Tells me that god is just trying to help me learn. That I should embrace my situation and learn from it. I tell her that I’m tired of learning, I’ve had bad luck for the majority of the past ten years. She says again that I need to embrace it, and she keeps pushing god on me. I almost throw up on her cats. She pushed that far. I hugged her. Then I left.

It was a rotten fucking experience. But maybe god put me through it so I would learn not to hang out with stupid bitches.

Tags: ATAIC

Dec 29, 2009 • Nostalgia