By Jared
We all know the implications. We all know what is at stake. We all know the history.
One of college football’s most storied rivals may be propelled into the most important regular season game in the history of the sport this weekend when Michigan travels to Ohio State.
This is it, the week has finally arrived, number one vs. number two for half the marbles. Winner goes to the BCS Championship. But is it fair to have the loser go to the BCS Championship as well?
In two words: hell no.
No one wants to see a rematch like a professional sports series. If Michigan beats OSU then Michigan should get to play another team, they should not have to beat the same team twice in a row to prove they are the better team. And as far as that goes, neither should OSU. They very well could be the best two teams in college football but we only need one game to decide who is the best team.
An analysis:
OSU offense is fast and can score in a number of ways. They have only scored less than 20 one time this year. Michigan has not played such a potent offense all year. But on the flip side of that, OSU has not gone up against a defense like Michigan. We all thought Texas was the test for the Buckeyes but let us not kid ourselves, Texas let Kansas State score 45 on them. The most Michigan has allowed is 26 in a fluke to Ball State.
The story is in fact the Wolverine defense vs the Buckeye offense but take a look at the other side of the equation. Michigan can put points on the board and if Manningham and Breaston can stretch the field, then look out. But the real shocker is the Buckeye’s defense, which has not alllowed anyone to break 20 all year; the most they gave up was 17 to Iowa.
When looking at the head to head matchups, paper can be deceiving. If one only addresses common opponents then one would conclude that OSU would win in a rout. We all know that will not happen. It will be the best game of the year and should come down to the last play like many OSU-Michigan games have.
Nov 13, 2006 • Sports
• • • MS • • •
By Mike
“People Magazine Tom Zbikowski Sexiest Man Alive Number” is the search query that produced the highest Google search engine ranking for Minor Speculum in October. Way to go team, we’re breaking molds and pushing the boundaries.
On another note, I think we might need to rethink the whole Speculum part of the site name. It seems that people are searching for “Speculum Movies” and coming across our site—people from as far away as California, Hawaii, and Taiwan. I don’t know if I want to find out what else speculum means…
Any takers?
update:
spec‧u‧lum /ˈspɛkyələm/ [spek-yuh-luhm]
–noun, plural -la /-lə/ [-luh], -lums.
1. a mirror or reflector, esp. one of polished metal, as on a reflecting telescope.
2. speculum metal.
3. Surgery. an instrument for rendering a part accessible to observation, as by enlarging an orifice.
4. Ornithology. a lustrous or specially colored area on the wings of certain birds.
[Origin: 1590–1600; < L: mirror, equiv. to spec(ere) to look, behold + -ulum instrumental suffix; see -ule]
Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.0.1)
Based on the Random House Unabridged Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2006.
Nov 09, 2006 • Minor Speculum
• • • MS • • •
By Nykamp
Last night I took advantage of the opportunity to attend the Body Image presentation given by Amaya Brecher and Veronica Portillo, formerly of the Real World and Road Rules (respectively) fame. While the premise of the presentation was good-hearted, the content fell remarkably short of any sort of expectations which I possessed upon entering the Dome Room (of the Rankin Center, on the FSU campus).
Amaya and Veronica, as mentioned before, spent some time on a couple of cable TV “reality” shows on an over-watched channel directed towards adolescents. I got the impression during the presentation that after they over-stayed their welcome on cable TV, they longed for some more publicity; perhaps feeling as though they only got 14 and a half minutes of fame, when in all actuality, they pushed the 20 minute mark.
The actual “presentation” was laughable at best, and Amaya and Veronica consistently treated the crowd like middle school students. All of the facts and information they presented on PowerPoint were weak and looked as though it was put together just moments before the show. Endless slides throughout the presentation were of rail-thin celebrities, and how they must have an eating disorder. Neither of the two were doctors, yet they could diagnose anorexia from a single exposed rib.
Don’t let my tone give the impression that their message wasn’t worth the price of admission (free). They discussed a very serious topic amongst our culture, eating disorders. The most valuable information they conveyed the whole night were some compelling real life tales of the horror caused by eating disorders. Amaya hunched over the toilet, sobbing uncontrollably as she pictured sickening visions to aid her vomiting. Veronica surviving an entire summer eating only a single piece of chocolate cake each day from the restaurant where she worked. The horrifying happenings which occurred inside of California sorority houses in regards to total food intake. Remarkable and astonishing.
What I didn’t appreciate whatsoever was the tone they conveyed through the presentation. It appears as though that these two young women had eating disorders because society drove them to it. Due to Barbie’s phenomenal dimensions, print ad’s, commercials, TV and movies, these two women were forced to ruin their lives. No personal choices or decisions involved here, just the relentless pressure faced by living in America.
While the idea that our society pressures people to look a certain way is far from being a falsehood, the idea that these two women had no opportunity to live a regular life, eating disorder free, is far more extreme. For whatever reason, they failed to mention what their family lives were like when young, just how much self-confidence they lacked, and how susceptible they were to outside forces. Did they have a choice? Maybe?
This does not mean I wouldn’t recommend going to see this presentation if the opportunity presents itself. What it does mean is that you should take value out of what is given; gruesome personal accounts of growing up with a serious health issue. The rest of the time you should play tic-tac-toe with your neighbor.
Nov 09, 2006 • OP-ED
• • • MS • • •
By Jared
Tell me something: did we go to sleep Tuesday night and wake up to a new country? A newfound energy seems to be flowing through the November air. And not just in places like Ohio and Pennsylvania, two states feeling the effects of congressional scandal and anti-Bush sentiment more than others, but also in places like Florida, Montana, and even DC. Another question: should we all be afraid?
In my opinion, and as a moderate I am probably the most unbiased person I know, the Democrats should be the ones who are nervous. Even though they probably pulled off the biggest sweep of Congress since 1952, Liberals/Lefties/Democrats should not be celebrating just yet. In fact, I would much rather be a Republican right now.
Here is why: no pressure. Democrats are under what I feel is a temporary security blanket, bestowed upon them by the American voters. If the Left is unable to unite and bring some positive legislation to the table, 2008 will be just as bad for them as Tuesday was for the Right. What Nancy Pelosi, the Speaker in waiting, will have to accomplish is a quick agenda, pushing through bills such as an increased Federal minimum wage, immigration reform, healthcare initiative, and most importantly an exit strategy for Iraq. The Democrats have not so much as peeped about their strategy for Iraq and the American public is expecting a unified voice to shout an exit strategy.
Furthermore, I feel the majority of Americans identify with conservative values and a fiscally responsible economic policy. If this election was indeed a referendum then it was directed at the fact that the Republican Party of late has not lived up to the platform created by Newt Gingrich in the Congressional landslide of 1994.
This election is simply saying to congress: “We, as the American people, will not put up with corruption from our leaders. We will not accept dishonesty and deceptiveness from politicians who are representing our values. And most of all, we still run the show, so go back to the drawing board and show us what we want to see: more freedoms, less taxes, more domestic focus, and less wasteful spending.”
For President Bush, the loss of Congress means his agenda will take a back seat to the Left. His tax cuts will not be extended, the Patriot Act could be rescinded, and nothing his administration tries to push through will even leave committee in the House. For the next two years, the President who once had the highest approval in the history of the rating system will be unable to accomplish much of anything domestically. He will, however, still be able to affect foreign policy through Condoleezza Rice and the Joint Chiefs (they will not have Donald Rumsfeld any longer and Robert Gates might have to battle during confirmation).
The biggest winner out of this whole thing is probably the man who lost his own party’s primary, Joe Lieberman. The House is not even close; Democrats have a 33-seat majority there (Pelosi assures us impeachment will not be on the table, and it did not even take a day for the ‘I’ word to come out). But the Senate is tighter than a you-know-what. Republicans and Democrats both hold 49 seats and two Independents (Lieberman and Sanders), make up the rest of the 100. Both Independents have said they will caucus with the Dems, thus the two seat majority. To be sure, Sen. Sanders will caucus with the Left but will Sen. Lieberman stay loyal. I mean, the Left abandoned the guy and painted him a Bush-loving warmonger in order to defeat him in the primary.
It will be interesting to see how heavily the Republican leadership will court Sen. Lieberman. Remember that if the Right can get Joe on their side, the Senate will be split and Vice President Dick Cheney will sit as the tiebreaking vote on legislation. Also, I believe, on committee selection, which would allow Republicans to offer Joe an attractive seat as chairman of a committee. Although I do not know what they could offer, possibly Armed Services but Sen. Lieberman is in line to become chairman of Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs. Regardless of what happens in the upcoming weeks, one thing is certain: I would love to be Joe Lieberman right now.
Any questions or rebuttals, feel free, I could definitely be wrong.
Nov 08, 2006 • Politics
• • • MS • • •
By Mike
Just in time for ElectionFest 2006, here is a quick rundown of areas of concern for most of the readers from Michigan; winners and percentages will be listed when information becomes available.
House
Republican
Democrat
Independent
Senate
Republican
Democrat
Independent
Michigan Governor and Lieutanant Governor
Jennifer Granholm(Incumbent) and John Cherry – Democrat
Dick DeVos and Ruth Johnson -Republican
Doug Campbell and David Skrbina – Green
Greg Creswell and Scotty Boman – Libertarian
Bhagwan Dashairya and Carl Oehling – US Taxpayers
100% Reporting
Michigan District 4 Representative
Dave Camp(Incumbent) – Republican
Mike Huckleberry – Democrat
Allitta Hren – Libertarian
John Emerick – US Taxpayers
100% Reporting
Michigan District 6 Representative
Fred Upton(Incumbent) – Republican
Kim Clark – Democrat
Ken Howe – Libertarian
100% Reporting
Senator – Michigan
Debbie Stabenow(Incumbent) – Democrat
Mike Bouchard – Republican
Leonard Schwartz – Libertarian
David Sole – Green
W. Dennis FitzSimons – US Taxpayers
100% Reporting
Nov 07, 2006 • Politics
• • • MS • • •
By Jared
“Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan,” the most verbose title given to a movie since “Homework, or How Pornography Saved the Split Family from Boredom and Improved their Financial Situation,” became the highest grossing film ever relased to less than 1,000 theaters. The mockumentary brought in over $26 million this weekend, catering to generation z or y or whatever label is being put on 16-25 year olds these days.
Sacha Baron Cohen, possessor of the most symmetrically corect name in showbiz, produced one of the most shocking and offensive movies of all time. Among the ranks of “The Aristocrats,” Borat wasted no time establishing its potically incorrectness with an opening scene that included incest and prostitution, all from our lighthearted star’s sister. In addition, the Kazakh village has a militia of school children, armed with AK’s and gumballs.
As we are taken through a ‘hero’s journey’ from New York to Los Angeles, Borat grows on us like a sunspot. At first we are annoyed by the disfiguration, then we accept the fact that the red dot is not going away, and we embrace it as our own. Borat becomes the voice that we all want to be. An innocent, naive child, wandering through life with wide eyes, as ‘shapeshifters’ try to corrupt him.
At a rodeo in the South, Borat conversates with a bigot who proclaims that hanging homosexuals is “what we are trying to get to” in America. Later, Frat boys from South Carolina, not exactly the common voice of Americans, declare minorities as the most powerful groups of people in the states. And at a gun shop in Texas, a man does not hesitate when Borat asks him for a gun that will kill Jews, calmly recommending a glock-nine.
But when Borat crawls out of the ‘cave’ after having been left by his disgustingly obese, jewaphobic, cock powdering friend Azamat, his confidence is restored by Pentecostals and their “friend Jesus.” In a heckneyed attempt at dissing religion, Borat fakes an out of body experience that gives him new found purpose and poise in his pursuit of plastic Pamela Anderson.
Although the movie made me ‘lol’ as much as instant messaging ever does, I felt some of the scenes were arranged and contrived. Especially the ‘ordeal’ where Borat literally bags Anderson.
But with his new found power over the “vajeen,” Borat goes home to become the ‘master of both worlds.’ He becomes the leader of his village, bringing commerce and technology to the former Soviet satellite. With his cultural learnings from America, Borat shines his yellow, speedo-powered light upon the audience, begging them to see themselves as they truly are: rapists, racists, and rebels.
Nov 06, 2006 • Movies and Television
• • • MS • • •
By Jared
For: my friend, Mike.
I just want to go on dated record and give my predictions for what will be the most important midterm elections since 1952. Any of you history buffs will note the similarities of now and 1952.
First, we were fighting another war, one on the Korean Peninsula. This war was fought as part of the containment policy towards communism. As I have said before, terrorism is the new communism, and we are currently at war in Iraq to bring down terrorism (but as we all know it was because Saddam wanted to take Iraqi oil off of the dollar standard).
Furthermore, as a question to my colleague, is Bush, or Cheney for that matter, or even Rumsfeld, the new McCarthy? I mean, Joe screamed commie and everyone shunned, when one of these three aforementioned cats screams terrorism, the nation lifts its head.
Next, the Truman Doctrine was in full effect (as was the Marshall Plan but that is besides the point). The Truman Doctrine basically laid out our foreign policy and shaped the first and most threatening years of the Cold War. If you know about the Project for a New American Century (PNAC), created by neo-cons William Kristol and Robert Kagan, then you can see the similarities in their effects on foreign policy. Other members include Rumsfeld, Cheney, Jeb Bush, Steve Forbes, Paul Wolfowitz (President, World Bank), and John Bolton (US Ambassador to the UN).
Finally, recall in 1952 the Republicans lost control of the House and did not gain it back until 1994 when Newt Gingrich organized the party with his “Contract with America,” and became the Speaker of the House. Think back to the Fair Deal and the legislation that was going through at the time. Eisenhower allowed it to stay on the table as long as Democrats did not talk about civil rights and stayed tough on communism. I digress. My point was this is the year for another Democratic takeover in the house.
My picks:
The Dems will not only pick up the 15 seats they need to regain majority control over the House, they will pick up about double that. In places like Ohio, Pennsylvania, Indiana, New York, and Florida, Liberal sentiments are taking place due to the recent scandals in the House, ineffective leadership (to be very vague) and Iraq. These five states will yield the 15 seats alone. Throw in maybe half of the remaining states flipping one Republican out for a Democrat and presto, the Left has a majority of 11-18 in the House when the waves retract.
The Senate, which was never even on the table in summer, is now the focus of both National Committees. There are 33 Senate races this year but only nine of them are even worth menitoning.
New Jersey:
Democrat Menendez will hold his seat by maybe five points. Race really got close for a while.
Rhode Island:
Republican Chaffee will lose to Whitehouse when the undecideds come out for the challenger.
Missouri:
McCaskill will take the seat from Republican Talent by a very narrow margin, not even two points.
Pennsylvania:
Republican Santorum gets blown out by Casey.
Ohio:
Dewine, a once secure Republican, gets booted in favor of Brown. Not a good choice for Ohio.
Montana:
Tester takes out Burns by maybe three or four points.
Virginia:
Once a Presidential favorite for 2008, Republican Allen will lose to Webb. No less than three points.
Maryland:
An open seat, typically Democratic, will be held by Cardin but closely contested by Steele.
Tennessee:
Another open seat due to Senate Leader Frist stepping down to make a bid at the White House in 08 will be held by the current party. Republican Corker was in a close battle with Ford, Jr. (who was trying to become only the fourth black senator in US history) but will likely win by eight to ten points.
As a result, Democrats will pick up the six needed seats in the Senate and take control, assuming Lieberman remains loyal. Joe was shunned by his own party but ran as an Independednt and will win by double digits over Lamont, who beat him in the Democratic Primary in September. But if the Dems only win five seats, Lieberman joins Jeffords as the two Independents, and both of them caucus with the Democrats, then the Senate will be 50-50 with Cheney being the tiebreaker. Lieberman could gain an enormous amount of power from losing the primary two months ago.
Something tells me that the Democrats will take both Houses of Congress and even though the pundits all have the House of Reps being the sure thing, I think it is the Senate. I do not have any reasons why; just a gut instinct that is screaming to me through a haze of Bush bashing and sweeping Liberal ideology.
Nov 06, 2006 • Politics
• • • MS • • •
By Jared
Before you put those pictures of you and your partner engaged in sexual deviancy, you may want to think hard about sharing your hard-on with the Web.
A study done by Harris Interactive revealed that one in four hiring managers use the Internet to search for job candidates before hiring them. So, that picture of you drunk and passed out in the gutter outside Red Roof Inn that seemed so innocently placed on MySpace may come back to bite you in the behind.
One in three hiring managers said they found, by doing a simple Google search, applicants had lied about their qualifications on their resume. Another quarter said that their prospective employees had posted pictures that linked them to illegal activity. Unfortunately, only about 10% found provocative pictures of candidates.
Furthermore, and mildly depressing, was the finding that 64% of hiring managers who used social networking sites to screen employees decided not to hire those who they found on Facebook or MySpace. In addition, half of the managers did not offer employment to those who they found through traditional searches.
A Facebook representative claims that the social networking site protects its members and allows members to protect themselves even to the point that only their friends could find them if authorized to see each other’s profiles.
I know one thing, I definitely won’t be posting this picture on Facebook. That would just be silly of me.
Nov 06, 2006 • OP-ED
• • • MS • • •
By Nykamp
Larry gave me the blades over breakfast. My meal included 3 blueberry flapjacks and a side of hash browns, his was the first ever-served waffle and fried chicken combo. Ward had… Ward was eating whatever the hell it is flaming liberals eat that time of day. Receiving the blades, THESE blades, from him, the LARRY, was a moment to cherish (especially since he was eating the first ever waffle and fried chicken combo). This man was my Hattori Hanzo. These blades, his craft. At that moment when the blades left his hand and found mine, at that exact moment, I knew what I was getting into. By having these blades bestowed upon me, I was taking a chance, a chance that might end in death.
Clutching the wheel, I turned my late-nineties midsize pickup onto the highway. It’d been twelve hours since I’d received the blades, but the idea was still fresh in my mind. I could do nothing throughout the course of the day but pace about, not unlike the mighty and powerful lion at the zoo. For the majority of the trip to work, I was in the proverbial fucking zone, focusing on what was about to be done on this night. I had my box cutter loaded with one of the new blades, the most perfect one. I could feel it sitting in the front left hand pocket of my Levi’s. I knew it was there, but no one else had a clue.
I came in to the usual: two bitchy old women who don’t deserve to be called co-workers, I believe some work would have to be achieved to live up to that title. The back room reeked of the cheap, shitty, menthol cigarettes that just about everybody there smoked. When I imagine these old whores taking drags from these fags they’re inhaling through their fat sloppy pussies and exhaling out of their assholes, making the already putrid smell that much worse. I wonder which hole smells better. Suddenly a vision of an anus eating a tater tot comes into my mind and I close it off before it can go any further. I have a job to do, dammit!
I load up all the tools of my trade onto my trusty brown cart and decide that it is time for the evening to start. Cappuccino, Styrofoam cups, straws and paper towels are what should have been on my mind. I’ve only been clocked in for seventeen minutes and six seconds, and already I can’t wait to clock out – if that’s an option on this night.
The shifts change and I’m perched at the register like one of those big fucking crazy colored birds, perched on the limb in the cage that seems too small. Like that big fucking crazy colored bird, I’m always there. No escaping. Old Reliable will always be there. I’ll even say a few words here and there; even though they might not be the words they want to hear. And still, even more like that same bird, I won’t give two shits if my words fall on deaf ears. I’m not here to please rednecks; I’m here to make a few bucks.
My “co-worker” Pam leaves at two a.m. and leaves me in the cage by myself. As she walks by, her pussy belches and a puff of smoke comes out. Fucking sick-ass, cheap menthol. The moment her Jeep Cherokee Sport pulls away, my heart rate increases by at least twenty beats per minute. I had three hours until the next person came in to work. I look at the cart and sitting there leering at me were the three boxes of cappuccino. “You fucks are mine,” I thought to myself, putting my hand in my left front pocket. I wasn’t ready to pull out my cutter quite yet; I keep it in my pocket, slowly caressing the shaft with my thumb. The non-corporate blade lay still inside the piece. A corporate blade would be begging for use at this time. This blade, however, THE BLADE, stays calm.
I stand in front of the cappuccino machine. After several deep breaths and with some twang-y gunfight, showdown music playing in my head, my arm uncontrollably sweeps out of my pocket, extends full above my head, and slams the butt of the cutter on the stainless steel countertop. The blade is now exposed and I remain standing in the same spot, gazing upon this thing of beauty, which is clutched inside of my oversized, sweaty, left palm. No more Mister Nice Guy, No more Mister Clean. No more Mister Nice Guy, they say he’s sick, he’s obscene. I’m a fanatical buckin’ bronco of a motherfucker with this fairy tale of a box cutter in my hand. My cutter IS the fucking Cosa Nostra.
To be continued…
Nov 02, 2006 • Literature and Fiction
• • • MS • • •
By Jared
“Run man, run!” was all I could say after the snowball erupted on the picture glass window. It was time to get the hell-cat out of there and even though we were in danger of getting caught, the satisfaction of finally destructing the peace and quiet of Carter O’Malley put me on cloud nine. It was snowball time.
We had tried to hit that same window for three years. We went back once a week whenever there was enough snow on the ground to gather even one sphere of destruction. The window was wondrous, like peeking into a keyhole of a locked door. It called us. So we would crawl by in our vehicle each night, waiting for the perfect moment to thrust our wet, white balls onto the glass. But every single f-ing time, this guy, Carter, he would be sitting there in his Beyonce brown chair watching Jeopardy and painting his model soldiers.
What we would do was, we would stop the auto a block down and run up toward the house. That way there were no headlights. See, we tried the drive-by approach, but to no avail. But whenever one of us had the window in sight, and our arms cocked back like Tony Romo, Carter, that sonavabitch, would look directly at us. Then we would get spooked, miss the window, and then run off hoping he would chase us into the cold with nothing on but his Bottle Rocket housecoat.
We must have hit the bastard’s house fifty times.
But never the window. Not until Dustin Muirhead came along.
As Carter sat in his chair, unexpectant of the annihilation that was about to take place upon his window, Dustin and I rode in the back of R.C. Flemming’s truck. We tore through the quiet night with determination in our minds and rum in our bellies. When the house came into sight, Flemming slowed to a hault and Dustin jumped out of the bed of the Ford. Sprinting up to the house with no qualms, he fired a shot from about 12 feet away. Carter looked directly at the snowball as it crashed into his precious peering palace. The asshole didn’t believe for a second that it could happen to him.
But it did. And my satisfaction was handed to me from the gloves of Dustin J. Muirhead, III.
Nov 01, 2006 • Nostalgia
• • • MS • • •
Prev
Next