By Jared
In the wake of two big victories over the superior Irish and the team from Wisconsin, the Wolverines of Michigan are enjoying a new found hype. One of the biggest puffs they are being given is this notion of a great run defense. When in reality it is not so much the great run defense, it is the Wolverines offense that is causing the discrepency in rushing yards for other teams.
The fact is, Michigan does not get run on that much because they are up big quick and everyone is throwing the ball on them. And they are throwing it well; to the tune of over 210 yards per contest, ranking Michigan near the bottom of Division 1-A. But all is well with Big Blue, as they only have two real contests left in Iowa and Ohio State.
Unless Michigan State decides to do the unthinkable: run the ball all over the Wolverines. MSU averages over 220 yards rushing per game and if they come out and get a lead, making it possible for them to keep the ball out of the air, they can and will beat Michigan.
As a footnote I would like to add that yes, I do know I am full of it, but why don’t you argue with me instead of calling me names? Zing.
Sep 27, 2006 • Sports
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By Larry
God, I am so tired of seeing Rod’s article as the last Music article published.
As you all know the Larry Larsen musical world has had its ups and downs – perhaps you’ve read my previous article describing the atrocity that was last year’s Grammy awards – but recently, its been bittersweet, and how. This fall was looking up for me, with Audioslave’s new album coming out at the beginning of this month, and the new Mars Volta album, Amputechture, coming out a week later. So after some processing time, I have some thoughts.
My absolute fave guitar player of all time, Tom Morello, has this band called Audioslave who just released their third album Revelations. Which means that they have accomplished in four years what it took Rage to do in eight. Three albums of original material in half the time for those of you keeping score at home.
Now before any of you dumb little shits start posting about how you don’t like Audioslave or think their only “okay” but you liked Rage or Soundgarden better don’t fucking think that you’re like the only person that thinks that or some shit, because I have to hear that shit all the fucking time – I have to LIVE with it. Remember, that nobody, at least none of you fucks, liked Rage more than me. And don’t post that shit just to spite me you bastards you know who you are.
I like to say that Audioslave is the World’s Greatest Mediocre Rock Band. They have their moments and I think that this album is their best yet. The band sounds tighter, and more focused on Revelations and only solidifies to me the fact that Tom Morello’s playing just gets better on each album. The most impressive thing you should know is this: The most innovative guitar player of the Nineties has never repeated a sound, except when doing the “turntable scratch” first heard on Bulls on Parade, which hasn’t become a novelty yet because every time he does it, he does differently. Another impressive fact is that he still achieves this variety with his limited pedal set-up, which has remained virtually unchanged for years. I could go on gushing like this forever, but I have another album to review. The band is starting to sound better together, on some tracks sound a bit more ‘Garden-ish, and yet achieve a funk never heard before by the Ragers. And Cornell, whose past lyrics strayed away from political content, let’s loose a few barbs Dubya’s way – best on “Wide Awake,” a song about Hurricane Katrina or rather the handling of it. “Wide Awake” is also one of the albums best tracks and its climactic end makes it the album’s angriest. Like them or not, this band is still quite formidable.
So here is more stuff to chew on: The Mars Volta, the shit-hot, post-punk/prog/we hate labels phoenix that rose out of the ashes of the most influential band of the late Nineties, no not Korn or Limp Bizkit (or as they are now known, limpbizkit) but At the Drive-In. As they express so clearly in the liner notes, The Mars Volta is the partnership between Omar A. Rodriguez-Lopez (my fifth fave guitar player of all time) who wrote and arranged all music and directs the group and Cedric Bixler-Zavala who wrote all the lyrics and vocal melodies. The group is interchangeable and has/does include former At the Drive-In and current Sparta (the other phoenix that rose out of the ashes of ATDI) bassist Paul Hinojos, Isaiah “Ikey” Owens, John Frusciante (second fave guitar player,) Flea (no explanation required,) Marcel Rodriguez-Lopez (Omar’s Bro,) Jon Theodore, who many consider to be the most talented drummer alive, and who as also been recently replaced with some guy name Blake Flemming, Juan Alderete de la Pena, and a bunch of other guys with surnames attached. Philosophically speaking, The Mars Volta is a jazz fusion ensemble, with Omar directing the group like a Puerto Rican Miles Davis. His self-titled second solo album, a German import, has often been compared to Davis’ work, mostly because Omar’s guitar playing sounds much like that of a young John McLaughlin, who was the player on Bitches Brew, considered one of Miles best. The lack of groove and melody on Amputechture (which I’m not sure is a real word) is what holds it back, and on most songs structure is also thrown to the wind. Omar produced Amputechture and often cites that he directs the music how an editor or filmmaker would [the documentarian Werner Herzog (Grizzly Man) is one of his biggest influences.] Despite the fact that John Frusciante’s and Omar’s playing is top-notch, there is only so far guitar pyrotechnics alone can carry an album. Cedric’s lyrics stay in the free-associative cosmos, but remain incredibly powerful visually. His phrasing and emotion draw you in, making you think that “eyelids sank muffled/ in the nerve aura sound” is proper dialogue in this “scene” that is “Tetragrammaton.” In order to thoroughly enjoy The Mars Volta Experience, one would suggest that one instead opt to buy their masterpiece, last year’s Frances the Mute.
So that’s my musical life as of late, filled with somewhat pleasant, but not overly pleasant surprises, and mild disappointments, much like this review. But I’m heading to Chicago for the weekend and I’ve got some leads on some promising shit.
Tags: Audioslave Mars Volta Tom Morello
Sep 22, 2006 • Music
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By Jared
Last year I wrote an article about Michigan losing to the Irish in Ann Arbor and I will now follow it up with a brief summary of what happened in South Bend this year. Just to be fair and all.
The scoreboard started ticking and when it stopped, Michigan had a few more points than Notre Dame did. Simple as that. I feel a lot better being able to put my bias on the back burner and give ol’ Blue some credit.
But really what happened was Brady Quinn was up all night banging all the Michigan groupies that were in town for the game and he did not get a chance to rest up. Tom Zbikowski was too busy beating up people at a frat party. And Jeff Samardzija was doing whatever the hell he does that distracted him from focusing on football. So, take it or leave it you Wolverine fans, this is my official statement of credit to the title sharing Maize and Blue. Now that the Irish have no chance of a national title, I am focusing all my efforts on willing the Chicago Bears into winning a playoff game.
I think I might not hold my breath on that.
Sep 17, 2006 • Sports
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By Jared
After the impaling death of Croc Hunter Steve Irwin, also known as the crazy ass white dude who wrestled gators for a living, a slew of stingray slayings have taken place. The stingray allegedly stabbed Mr. Irwin underneath his rib cage and pierced his heart. Oh, bittersweet irony.
Here is the guy who grappled with Gila monsters, tangled with tigers, and sparred with snakes. Now he gets stabbed by a stingray? The reported death was one of thirteen in the history of the recorded era. Not that Mr. Irwin deserved it, he most certainly did not, but the odds were against him. Anytime one goes neck and neck with vicious animals on land, in sea, or wherever else Mr. Irwin decided to explore wildlife at, one’s chances of survival become less and less with each successful effort. Statistically anyway.
So basically, to avenge the death of an adventurous, overachiever, people in Australia have been killing stingrays. Or have they? Maybe it is just one person. One sick and twisted, obsessed fan that has no longer a reason to exist and is looking to exert pain and suffering because Flippy the Stingray stabbed Steve Irwin in the chest. Maybe there is a serial murderer of stingrays out there, born out of the frustration of losing an idol.
How insane is this? It would be like Americans going to kill Muslims because of 9/11. Like World War breaking out because of an assassinated Archduke of Austria. Like Sparta attacking Troy because of a woman. It is ludicrous.
Alright so all of those things did happen, so here is a better example: it would be like Mel Gibson murdering Malibu Police Officers because his reputation as a lover of all things Jewish was destroyed. A word to the stingray killers, get over it. As you have proven, there are plenty of idiots in the world that will be glad to take Mr. Irwin’s place. In the meantime, sit on your hands and stop killing innocent stingrays.
Sep 12, 2006 • Humor
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By Jared
And thank you for always being there for us. By us I mean the US of A and Bush Co. 2001.
Is there a computer big enough to hold the number of times the administration has used the word mandate because of 9/11? The murders of 3,000 people in a terror attack does not give a mandate to spend trillions of dollars and thousands more lives occupying a sovereign nation.
In five years, those little intelligence agencies such as the CIA have not been able to find any link between Iraq and the attacks on America. But by God, the Iraqi people must pay for allowing the ‘Saddamizing’ to take place. And pay they have, with their innocent lives; 40,000 of them.
In a recent poll conducted by the New York Times, numbers showed that only 15% of Americans outside of New York City, thought about 9/11 more than twice a week. Yet for every question asked about the war on terror, the administration gives some vague, alluding answer about the attacks. And why is it that every time Bush gets in trouble, a new terror threat comes out?
Remember 2004 and the week before the Election? Remember the poll numbers and then the killing of al-Zarqawi? Remember today, on the five-year anniversary a new terror tape is released? I am just not buying it anymore. But it does not matter because that seems to be all the Government is selling.
Five years after Pearl Harbor, a real act of war, we dropped two freakin’ A-bombs on Japan. What have we done now besides kill 40,000 people, in turn, giving all their relatives a reason to hate Americans? Well, we removed Saddam from power, although he is more popular in the Middle East now than ever before.
I remember the day after 9/11/2001, or maybe it was the night of, GW Bush got on top of the smoldering ash of the two towers. He got on top of the charred bodies of husbands, wives, sons, daughters, nieces, nephews. He stood up and told us what he was going to do. Everything. He laid it all out for all of us to see. But the damn Patriotism blinded us; we could not see through the horror and pain of the moment. Past all the heroic talk and empty promises. We could not see what was truly ahead of us even though it was told from atop the mountain of destruction and death, told right to our faces. Now we have two more years to regret not standing up and taking the risk of being called unpatriotic.
Here I am, five years later, and this is the first rant I have ever let out. And for all of you who read this, wave the bloody towel at me and tell me that you have heard all of this before from crazy Liberals, well check our President. He has been saying the same thing for five years. It is time to wave the towel at him.
Sep 11, 2006 • OP-ED, Politics
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By Larry
So um… I saw this movie today called The Protector. And well…
The Protector is the story of a man who gets tangled up in an international conspiracy, while investigating the (and I’m not sure if I can even call it this) kidnapping of his elephants. One of which actually gets thrown by a human being, but I mean it was a baby, it only weighed a ton. Right? But they were sacred elephants. Very, very sacred. Which is why it was important to go all the way to Australia and fight an entire mob to get them back. Oh, also his father was killed by the mob. Yeah, that’s important too. Oh! Hey! Guess what? I almost forgot, the mob owns the entire police department of Sydney. Wow! And the funny thing is the mob stole the damn elephants in the first place because they wanted their power, because like I said the elephants were sacred. The brains behind the whole operation is Lady Rose, yes a woman, who poisons her own nephews, one 8, one 13, so they like, can totally not, take over the company from her dead uncle.
Anywho…
Our hero this time is Cam played by Tony Jaa. Jaa, whose real name is Panom Yeerum, is actually quite a martial-artist. One might say a virtuoso. He is a practioner of Mauy Thai, a Thai (go figure) style of martial art, and actually incorporated the movement of elephants into this style of fighting for the movie. Which explains all the stomping and stuff. TJ’s first big breakthrough was in Ong-Bak, and he is set to direct and star in its sequel Ong-Bak 2. In fact he turned down a role in Bret Ratner’s… get some… Rush Hour 3 in order to do so. Funny note: I was fooled, in fact we all were, by the Jackie Chan look-a-like that makes a cameo in the movie. TJ gets comparisons to Jackie Chan because he does all his own stunts, so yeah. But you cannot deny his talent. It’s sort of a shame that he turned Bret Ratner down because all this kid needs is a proper choreographer to set him free. Speaking of kids, Thai cutie Bongkoj Khongmalai is Pla in this. According the info I got on IMDB about her she was born on April 15th 1985, which makes her a year older than me and both of us Aries! Now I totally have an icebreaker! Yes!
So the movie plays exactly like a 16-bit friend of mine named Streets of Rage. Streets of Rage with elephants. It’s got all the characters of the game: there’s a woman with a whip, the skater guys, the one guys that look kinda like girls but really aren’t that trip you, the huge twin wrestler guys – but from both levels cuz there’s actually like 4 of them, the really small guy with a cane, and the cop that helps you. And you know at the penultimate level of the game when you’re going up the elevator to the penthouse floor, that’s there too, except that it happens to be the coolest fucking part in the whole movie. It’s the money shot, by which I mean most likely the reason Quentin Tarantino thought we should all see this, and the scene in which the movie is most at its video game imitating peak. It actually plays like cut scene in a game: an uncut 4 minute long shot. A movie imitating a game imitating a movie: Cam ascends a giant spiral staircase in. Bad guys are coming out of the fucking woodwork, some are getting thrown over the staircase, some smashed into shit, arms breaking, tendons snapping, Cam’s not breaking a sweat, more guys come, more guys fall, more guys come, more guys fall. It’s every nerd’s payback fantasy realized – unstoppable power.
Unfortunately after this Jaa and director Prachya Pinkaew lose steam, and inventiveness. You remember when I told you about the man throwing an elephant, it happens right after Jaa literally executes the exact same move on not 88, not 100, but 40 guys in a row, snapping each guys arm at least twice with an elephant style stomp and twist.
The worst part of the movie falls entirely on the editing. It felt like there were reels that just went up and missing. Within a single frame Cam is in a house fighting some OGs then flying down a river in a speedboat. The writing was poor as well; from the dialogue to the useless characters that popped up from out of nowhere. The acting wasn’t exactly Oscar-caliber either. But that one scene man, damn if I don’t want to share it with the world. I wonder who I can talk to about that.
Sep 09, 2006 • Movies and Television
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By Jared
Eva Longoria told Entertainment Magazine in a recent interview that she was looking forward to the upcoming season of Desperate Housewives because she is going to be dressing less in lingerie and skimpy clothing. Well let me tell you, she is the only one looking forward to it if what she says is true.
Honestly, isn’t this the chick who starred on the Soaps, aka soft-core porn in the afternoon? Isn’t she the one who is never seen in public without her naval or cleavage showing? This is a travesty; like Paris Hilton saying she wanted to go a year without sex. This is worse than Tom Cruise wanting to do Broadway plays.
I know who is really behind this: Tony Parker. Is it not kind of obvious that this cat has a serious jealousy thing going on? Why the sudden change of heart Eva? Was it the years of using your petite mid-section, supple clavicle, and dangerously toned legs to sex your way into the hearts of red-blooded men everywhere? Are you tired of being labeled as the Sexiest Women in the World by FHM? Do you really want to make us all watch Desperate Housewives for your acting skills?
Tony Parker is an evil, selfish man and I have some advice for him. If you want to date a supermodel that makes her living by having less than adequate clothing on, then you cannot turn her into a supermarket chick. You have to be willing to share these gorgeous women with the rest of us Average Joes. Buddy, you’re sleeping with her for real, the closest we get to that is taking our laptop to bed with us. Enjoy it while lasts, my friend, because one day you’re going to be wishing she were still hot enough to dress in a garter and bustier without that excess skin hanging over the edge and nipples pointing to the south pole.
Sep 05, 2006 • Movies and Television
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