By Mike
“Democrats are God’s gift to mankind,” Johnny claimed. I couldn’t agree less—nor could I agree more. In a sense, the Democratic and Republican parties are a tiny gift to humanity, each seeking a means to an end. Ultimately, the way in which they achieve that end demonstrates the similarities that exist in each party’s disservice to the people and groups they represent. Sure, the methods they employ to attain their political goals are certainly different, but what they seek is always the same. Johnny went on, “all the values that humanity should have, and will have, are represented solely by the Democratic leadership; I mean take a look at ol’ Teddy Kennedy.” I had to chuckle. Seeing that we were talking about ol’ Teddy, as my friend labeled him, I vividly remembered a bumper sticker that I spotted the other day: “Ted Kennedy’s car has killed more people than my gun.” I chuckled a little bit harder—but not too much.
“You see, Democrats, they love the environment…and they would never harm a creature.” Johnny continued on, “actually, I’m not really too sure about that, but it definitely seems that way.” And Johnny was partially right. Democrats do have a tremendous track record when it comes to environmental issues; they are champions of curbing the effect of greenhouse gases, and are calling for the development of cleaner burning fuels. More often than not, they push for environmentally friendly legislation, which ultimately bans the drilling of oil in specific regions, and leads to the creation of national parks and wildlife reserves. The effect of all of this positive action is a beautiful, clean environment that our children’s children will enjoy a great deal more than we can possibly appreciate—at least I’m assuming they will. The downside to all of this is that the emphasis Democrats have placed on environmentally friendly legislation has put a great strain on the relationship between the Democratic leadership and big business.
“Republicans would see the world destroyed, just to earn a profit,” Johnny claimed. I would have to agree—to a point. Unlike their political counterparts, Republicans are often seeking ways in which to enhance capitalism and to boost the world’s largest economy this side of the European Union, but if it happens to be at the expense of Joe Squirrel, so be it; he and his other woodland buddies happen to be a tremendous obstacle in the path of the capitalistic machine that is the Republican Party. For instance, they have repeatedly attempted to enact legislation that would allow for the drilling of oil in the Alaska National Wildlife Reserve, and only a few things have prevented this from happening: the Democratic love of the moose, the squirrel, and the tree. In an effort to maintain profits, Republicans have repeatedly attempted to curb any effort to reduce greenhouse gas emissions, id est. the un-ratified Kyoto Treaty. What is truly unfortunate about the lack of effort in the fight to curb emissions on the part of Republicans is that it is incredibly likely that profits would remain just as high, and it is liable to produce an entirely new industry in order to develop ways of lowering emissions; alas, the economy rolls on, emissions are up, and corporate profits are high.
“If Democrats were allowed to control business properly, we would never have another problem with unemployment—ever,” Johnny proclaimed. And perhaps this is true; they would certainly regulate business practices in an effort to increase worker compensation. While this ultimately seems good for the worker, in the long run it can be the most detrimental thing to happen to the workforce. Why, one might ask? Well, to put it bluntly, the Democratic emphasis on globalization in business, and their inherent need to increase pay for unskilled labor, has forced many corporations to move once lucrative manufacturing jobs overseas where the workforce is much cheaper. In the end, the Democratic claim that their policies have the effect of creating social equality are dead wrong—the policies create a much wider gap between the rich and the poor and it stretches the middle class to the point of extinction. When it comes to the Republican Party, they are not nearly as innocent as they would claim in economic circles. While they have placed little emphasis on the regulation of business, and would probably prefer none, they have assisted the situation that globalization has created by giving tremendous tax breaks to companies who have moved factories out of the country. “Look at all the evils of the Republican Party,” Johnny stated without any sense of why. I had to agree with Johnny, but I implored him to remember what the lack of regulation and globalization has done for the nation. It has created a situation of inflated profits, not only for the oil industry, but also for most energy consortiums, and has moved the American economy beyond manufacturing and into the realm of service. Johnny asked, “So, now you understand?” Sure Johnny, I understand.
“The two parties are so different in every way, I just don’t understand how they can both exist in this country together at the same time,” Johnny wondered aloud in such a way as to force one to question his intelligence. The answer is pretty darn simple: the two parties are exactly the same. Regrettably, most of the population fails to recognize the simplicity of the party system. In essence, what you have are two groups competing for power in order to enact a particular agenda. What is that agenda? To maintain power for the group that has obtained it. Both sides are equally guilty of using the same tactics; they campaign and fundraise, albeit illegally at times, sling the mud of politics, and issue fallacious promises. Despite the claims that either side makes in order to acquire power, neither will follow through with the “ideals” they represent. Once power is obtained, both parties will typically do the same things in order to maintain it: subvert the constitution, lie to the people, usurp power for the federal government, create a tyranny of the executive branch, and go home smiling about the great job they’ve done extending democracy and freedom around the globe. This is most effective in times of crisis, as both parties gather up more power and limit many civil liberties in order to protect constituencies from the evils of the world. What an incredibly heroic deed. “No, Democrats would never do anything sub…subversive,” Johnny poorly exclaimed. Perhaps not, but the similarities that exist between the methods of the two major parties is incredibly ironic, to say the least.
Perhaps the real solution would be to eliminate the existing power structure; that is to say that it would be most beneficial to Americans to bring a third or fourth party to power in order to undercut the muscle that one party might flex over another. “Why, that would be terrible. Leave the governing to the Democrats if you want to see positive change,” Johnny interjected. Maybe Johnny is right, a third or fourth party would only introduce a third or fourth contender for the usurpation of power. In any case, the Democrats and Republicans are stuck where they are, and in the end, a Republican replaced by a Democrat, or vice versa, is still a politician.
Apr 28, 2006 • OP-ED, Politics
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By Larry
My contact in Florida recently informed me of a pretty funny “glitch,” on Google.com. Type the word “failure” and click “I’m Feeling Lucky.” Make sure you do this or it won’t work. Try “liar” also. I’ve tried some other words but haven’t uncovered anything as quite as clever. Let’s see who can find the funniest thing. Go ahead, make my day.
Apr 26, 2006 • Humor
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By Larry
Here I am, clockin in at 45.2 Kbps and waking my folks with the dial-up sound at 1:00 a.m. just for you fucks. Just kidding, I can’t sleep. The truth is I haven’t been on here in a while and felt like it was time for my comeback. Sometimes after a rough day, when a few drinks aren’t enough, I find a bit of song is what soothes me best. This “epiphany” made me realize the importance of what I do here. So what if nobody reads my shit? It’s the few that do that benefit. Fuck it – I’m just trying to lead you guys to a step in the right direction. Illuminate and enlighten you with my knowledge, though minute, of the arts. So keep an open mind and be patient.
So far the two best albums this year, which I guarantee will still be on everybody’s Top Ten lists at the end of the year, (I’ll bet ya) are:
1. Arctic Monkeys – Whatever People Say I Am, That’s What I Am Not
2. Yeah Yeah Yeahs – Show Your Bones
The Monkeys got hyped a shit-ton but, let me assure you its not without reason. This group makes me jealous, I’m not kidding – they’re all under 21 – which could make any of us jealous. They are definitely the most hyped group out of the UK since Oasis. Funny thing how the Brits figure out this shit before we do – Jimi Hendrix got his start there and so did the Backstreet Boys and the Strokes, but they were American bands. Anyway this group is actually from the UK and therefore they now have something to brag about besides Coldplay, who are so big here I don’t think anyone considers them British. Standout tracks: “I Bet You Look Good on The Dance Floor” and “A Certain Kind of Romance.”
The YYYs toss aside the art-punk noise of 2003’s LP Fever to Tell for a more concentrated an effective sound on Show Your Bones. The result is raw, naked and vulnerable. If you were a fan of the elegiac “Maps,” (their first single) but was alienated by the sneering, scattered raunch on the rest of Fever, you will love this album. All the angst is still there but it’s now hidden under the surface. Perhaps because the band had an internal blowup during the recording of this album – (sidenote: Rage’s best work to me was Evil Empire, which took them 4 years to complete due to personal strife in the band which eventually lead to their breakup anyway.) What mostly impresses me about this album is its guitar architecture: Nick Zinner is my newest guitar hero, and it doesn’t take a musician to hear what is so amazing about his playing, it’s just right. The main sonic difference between this YYYs album and the others is the presence of an acoustic guitar which now bolsters most of the tracks here. No it’s not the end of the world, but it’s pretty close. Show Your Bones shows growth. Standout tracks: “Cheated Hearts,” “Dudley” and “Turn Into.”
It’s now 2:18 a.m.
Apr 25, 2006 • Music
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By Jared
Many of you already know about the fiasco that has become the firing of Athletic Director Ken Dietz from his position in the administration of our old high school. So basically I just want to break down the fallout of it all in my own words, maybe then you will be able to judge it objectively.
Put past, in your minds, the fact that Dietz may have screwed you over in the past. I know first hand what it is like to be sold out by the guy, more so than almost anyone, save a few guys who stole guns. But just forget about all that and look at the facts, which are numbers not opinions.
Dietz took a over after Jim Webb, a guy that didn’t value much but hard work on the football field and the ability to run track (to stay in shape for the upcoming football year). Having plans to convert Hartford from a single edged football blade into a double edge football and basketball sword, Dietz implemented a summer camp in the UP for basketball players, hosted regional games to earn revenue, and started a holiday tournament to gain more attention for the round-ballers (that tournament indirectly led to this author scoring 44 and setting the single game record for points at the school, but who’s counting?).
Under his tenure, Hartford saw revenue from sporting events climb over $100,000. Now this was not all Dietz at work, obviously there were good athletes, competitive games, winning teams, core groups of student athletes, supportive parents, the ever-important community, etc. But Dietz did play a role. He shed light on Hartford from his post at the MHSAA and his unique ability to host regional events, even though Hartford isn’t the most ubiquitous of school systems. He got the job done as AD like probably no other AD has in the past.
But he was a bad coach. Me and you and everyone we know can agree on that. The guy played favorites, I know because I was one for about two years. And he victimized others, I know because I was on that side of the fence also, for about six months. Not to mention he was just a bad coach. Scatterbrained and unprepared, he would call timeouts at inopportune times and not call timeouts when relevant. He didn’t understand the concept of subbing correctly and he tried to press with the wrong players on the floor. Most importantly, he didn’t take advantage of talent. There were some decent players that weren’t recruited simply because Dietz had a chip on his shoulder.
The damage however is already done. Face it, the guy holds grudges, and if the school was to give him a 5th chance to make up for the mistakes he made, he would hold a grudge. There would be tension between the union and Dietz, the school board and Dietz, and some of the varsity coaches and Dietz. Would Dietz try to fire hometown hero John Johnson from his softball job?
Because he most likely will not be brought back, the community now faces some decisions. From the sounds of it, there were quite a few supporters of Mr. Dietz and the situation has driven a wedge between family, friends, and businesses. What needs to be done is simple: elect a new school board. What most absolutely must not be done: voting down a millage for tax revenue for the school. What doesn’t matter but will be entertaining: boycotting businesses in the area. The board voted to give $30,000 to Pardike to stick around for labor negotiations because, oh yeah, those really important people called teachers have their labor contract up this summer. This is above the line of his already six figure salary, which in my opinion was never earned or merited.
What the new board should do is cut costs. Administrators first. No principal of a school in a district where a house costs barely $100K should be getting paid $85G’s per year. Start improving test scores and monitoring teaching performance. Propose another buyout for long tenured teachers. Pay attenion to students with valid complaints and feedback. And finally, keep an open line of communication with Levstek and teachers of all levels. Not being able to read starts from the bottom up and that is more important than football.
Under no circumstances should any of those hypocrites vote down any millage to increase tax revenue into the school system. That harms too many lives, not to mention the school is already broke. It only gets payouts once a year from the property tax collections and can’t afford to have some petty argument decrease their budget anymore. If that happens, Hartford could end up being another Galien.
Apr 24, 2006 • OP-ED, Politics
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By Jared
My letter to the IRS. Not that it will make a damn bit of difference.
To Whom It May Concern:
And this probably doesn’t concern anyone but for my peace of mind, I must at least put it in the envelope. So please bear with me, wise reader, as I relieve the weight from my chest.
First, as most conversations begin, let me introduce myself and give a brief background. Just to give this letter a little life, a little context. I am a third year college student, white, born here, part of the lowest income class of the country, and already strapped with $17,000 in student loans. I grew up in Smalltown, USA, graduated at the top of my class, gave a pretty speech at graduation, National Honor Society president; some traits of which retail managers are made. Went to public school, which wasn’t as bad as Europe thinks, and left high school with no clue. Like most. After a run at two community colleges and a brief stint as a commercial director, I decided I wanted, I needed actually, to go back to college and get an advanced degree. If I really wanted to do something with my life, I knew, at least it is what has been fed to me all my life, that I needed a degree. To be put more concisely, a postgraduate degree.
More borrowing.
So now I’m on my way, a year from law school, and currently holding a decent trade-time-for-dollars-job. So I make $12,000 last year while taking no summer time off from school and never dropping below five classes each semester and 30 hours of work per week. Thus at the end of the year I’m thinking my taxes will just even out, no pay, no refund. I figure this because that is how it has been every year I have worked. Surely I did not make more than the majority of the country, my own mother excluded (she made about $11,000) so I thought, much to my chagrin, that everything would balance out.
I was wrong, obviously, I mean really wrong (the check is inside to prove it). And I am not upset about it, don’t get me wrong; paying taxes is essential to the growth and stability of our great nation. They are obviously important to lawmakers too, I mean, their salaries come from the tax pool and all. So why, fine reader, is it that we are cutting taxes? Tax more. Tax people who can pay. Why tax a college student with growing student loans (thanks, by the way, for decreasing subsidies on my loans and increasing the interest rates) who makes less than the per capita GDP of the Northern Mariana Islands? Just curious is all.
Nevertheless, attached is the $698 that I owe for the great service I have had from the Government. Honestly, thanks for the preferential hiring of Ivy League grads in the government; thanks for loaning me all that money; thanks for encouraging me to strive to be in the upper class; thanks for cutting taxes for people who can afford to actually know what capital gains and dividends are (about 5% of the country); and thank you for taking $698 of the $2,500 needed to live for two months in a foreign country to actually help people who need the help.
However, please try your hardest (I know this is a ridiculous request) to make sure that my money isn’t used for the following: a trip to Mars, preventing Iran from improving their energy situation, helping my peers find the grave in Iraq, subsidies to tobacco farms, a toilet seat convention or mariachi music concert (pork), and most notably, our president’s or vice president’s salaries.
But please feel free to contribute it to education. Maybe I’ll actually see a few of those dollars back while attending law school.
Apr 12, 2006 • OP-ED
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By Jared
So there he was, on a fresh, beguiling afternoon. Richard ‘Bulls-eye’ Cheney was stringently strolling in a deserted New Mexico field, searching for anything that resembled a quail. Coturnix not Dan. He heard a rustle to his left but disregarded the noise as he, being a master hunter, knew not to pull to the left when his tail was being covered by the Mayor of Albuquerque, his twin brother, and a New Mexico Senator. But just then…BANG, boom down. Cheney felt the hot metal beads pierce his skin. “Watch it ass-holes,” he ordered. He didn’t even take a knee but his hip definitely felt the pepper.
It was that day in the late 90’s that then CEO of that one company that gets all the GOP, I mean, GOV contracts, Halliburton, decided that he was mad as hell and he wasn’t going to take it anymore. It was that day, lying on his right side at Colin McMillan’s, the Assistant Secretary of Defense for pal H.W. Bush, (Cheney was the actual Secretary of Defense) that Cheney realized he had a big plan for the United States. So he called up his business partner in the Middle East and asked him if he thought his son, the Governor of Texas, had a shot at winning the presidency.
Just then, Karl Rove appeared from a cloud of smoke, just in front of Cheney. “So you wanna win an election, huh?” Rove asked.
“Well not me, I’m too old, too much of a paper trail. But this younger, dopey, former Yale cheerleader, I’m good friends with his dad and all, I think we could use him to get our agenda across. See, me and a couple of my old buddies, we authored this thing: Project for a New American Century, and well, it’s coming up pretty quickly and Bob Dole, he’s just not cuttin’ it. We need someone with a lineage, you know, goin’ all the way back to the Nazi’s. Someone with the everyman appeal, someone who’s gonna sock you in the mouth but then buy you a Budweiser.”
Then Rove smiled, “Well, I’ve been mulling over this strategy in my mind recently. It’s a golden strategy, majestic and divine. It’s sure fire, especially in America. I guess the most important question is: what religion is your candidate?”
And with that, America was taken for a ride: botched voting, recession, 9/11, mandates, Afghanistan, Iraq, Mars, $9 trillion debt, presidential signing statements, Abu Ghraib, Guantanamo Bay, trade deficits, deception, Katrina, Rita, leaking CIA names, domestic wire tapping, educational cuts, immigration reform, seperation, secrecy.
Finally, in the midst of it all, Karma came back around to even the score for Cheney. February 11th, 2/11, the world felt a blow. At least the world according to Harry Whittington. The blow was ‘Bulls-eye’s’ fury, unleashed in the form of buckshot, straight from Cheney’s barrel, right into Whittington’s chest. Karma. Balance. Normalcy. All restored. Seems Cheney wasn’t really supposed to take over the world, he was just supposed to shoot someone while hunting.
At least that’s what I’m hoping for.
Apr 11, 2006 • Humor, OP-ED
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