Alito Nomination Could Spell Trouble

By Jared

Those of you who know absolutely nothing about the Supreme Court or all this talk about nominations, this article should just sum it up for you a little bit.

Samuel Alito, the man I have been saying we should hope Bush doesn’t nominate for about two months now, was nominated this morning to replace Sandra Day O’Connor. Alito is known as a strict conservative and has a very direct interpretation of the 250-year-old Constitution. He is more than qualified for the position, attending Harvard and Yale. He has served as a judge on Federal Courts before and currently is a Court of Appeals judge in the third district. Just a step down from the Supreme Court.

Problem is his case history. He has voted contrastingly against privacy in abortion and gun cases ruling that women should have to inform husbands of an attempted abortion but on the contrary, private citizens should be allowed to own assault weapons. Also abortion is a touchy issue in which no clear-cut rule is known from Alito. He voted in favor of not banning partial birth abortions in New Jersey because it was unconstitutional. With the fuss about Roe v. Wade possibly being overturned, it seems the precedent would hold when looking at Alito’s record of voting. He also has voted for civil rights by ruling in favor of an African American’s right to a fair trial. With all these different rulings, it’s hard to say where he stands even though he has been labeled ultra conservative.

What this mean’s is that he will uphold the precedents and the Constitution to a literal sense. Which may or may not be a bad thing considering the recent laws passed limiting gun control, limiting freedom and privacy, and allowing for corporate freedoms. But for the time being abortion and civil rights seem to be safe.

The Democrats should Filibuster this nominatin. If they don’t it will be shocking. Expect the mudslinging to begin over Alito because of the replacement of O’Connor being so important to the make-up of the court. She was the swing vote of the court, usually making it 5-4 in recent rulings. Breyer, Ginsburg, Stevens, and Souter on one side and Scalia, Thomas, Kennedy, Rehnquist on the other and O’Connor made the difference. Souter votes conservative sometimes, so he can’t be categorized with Breyer, Ginsburg, and Stevens in evry case. With Roberts voting conservative, taking Rehnquist’s place as Chief, the court remains somewhat split. But take O’Connor out of the equation and replace her with Alito, it’s almost a guarantee of at least 5 justices voting conservative. This is the problem Democrats face and should fight it to the end.

I would venture out on a limb and say that Bush will get to nominate at least one more justice if not two before he leaves office in 2008. Let’s just hope the ultra conservative court doesn’t ammend the constitution reversing the 22nd Ammendment and allow Bush another term in the meantime. That would probably be the worst thing that could happen.

Oct 31, 2005 • OP-ED, Politics

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Scandal Nothing New In White House

By Jared

While controversy and corruption surround the current administration, it seems as though many things never change. The consensus is that it’s no big deal about I. Lewis Libby, the man with the boy nickname, leaking information about CIA operative Valerie Plame but the big deal lies within the notion that it is no big deal and written off as just another scandal in the White house. If that is what the nation has come to expect from the executive branch of the Government, isn’t that a big deal?

The current administration is having a really bad month. Historically bad. However, it really is nothing new. Looking back at other administrations, Liberal or Conservative, there have always been bureaucratic criminals. Dating back to the foremost author of our beloved Constitution, James Madison and his manipulation of the American people (although not as some critics of the war of 1812 make it out to be). Then at the extreme end of the spectrum there is Harding and the deep scandal that nearly destroyed the Presidency in the early 20th century. But it doesn’t stop there: Jackson, Jefferson, Theodore and Franklin Roosevelt, Kennedy, L.B. Johnson, Nixon, Reagan, Clinton, and now both Bush’s. Sure, every administration has been involved in some sort of corruption or scandal but here a few worth noting.

Nixon had Watergate we all know that. Kennedy had Cuba, Russia, the Cold War, the mafia, and extreme nepotism. Andrew Jackson had the Federal Bank and countless hostile opposition against his opponents. Theodore Roosevelt started the trend of over stepping boundaries to give more power to the executive branch. FDR had the baiting of Pearl Harbor and the New Deal, which spawned the era of deficit spending by our government. LBJ had Vietnam. Regan had the Iran-contra scandal and ‘Reaganomics’ aimed at destroying the deficit. George Sr. had Grenada, Iraq part one, and foreign business ventures with known terrorists. Clinton had a few money scandals in his administration and womanizing. Then there’s Jr. with a laundry list as long as the Trade Center Towers were tall.

G.W. Bush has done just about everything a conservative president could do wrong. He increased spending in the government, federally regulated education, centralized executive control with the Patriot Act, enforced tariffs on imports and exports, and most recently nominated two moderately conservative judges for the Supreme Court. It’s a wonder he hasn’t been impeached by his own party, or at least slapped on the wrist, diplomatically. But most importantly he has been involved in his fair share of scandal. He has appointed unqualified people for top positions, most notably Brown for FEMA, been accused of allowing 9-11 to happen, waged war for no proven reason on Iraq, isolated the White House, made boatloads of cash in the same way his father did by dealing with corrupt corporations, of course pulling the Patriot Act over everyone’s eyes, and now the “Scooter” leak. The next question is, how much of the proposed $200 billion to fix New Orleans will he pocket?

Who knows, maybe it’s not him? Maybe his dad is still pulling the strings. Maybe Karl Rove is feeding him all these ideas. Or maybe George W. Bush is the single most intelligent president our country has ever seen and his agenda has been accomplished masterfully through misconception and manipulation. The general consensus is, however, that this is most definitely not the case.

Oct 31, 2005 • OP-ED, Politics

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Reviews of albums by Death Cab For Cutie and My Morning Jacket.

By Larry

Reviews of albums by Death Cab For Cutie and My Morning Jacket.

My Morning Jacket – It Still Moves ***
RCA

I could lie and say I like Z so much I had to get this record but the truth is I bought them at the same time. Again MMJ balances their love for blues, darker-synth sounds and 70’s British rock, (much of which was blues based anyways.) This time around they get a little bit more Thorogood on it’s ass by adding a little sax and sprinkling other various brass parts here and there. Also they get are definitely more Dixie, the twanged-up “Golden” and “Masterplan” are evidence of this. They lose the planetary meanderings and also some popiness, but it’s still packed with great songs like the progressive “One Big Holiday” and the dreamy “I Will Sing You Songs.” All in all a worthy predecessor to Z, and contains probably one of their best songs “Steam Engine.”

Death Cab For Cutie – Plans ***1/2
Atlantic/Wea

Indie-rock’s most revered band records a somewhat successful major label (Atlantic) debut album. As I listened to this, a realization dawned upon me, that voice, Death Cab’s singer Ben Gibbard’s voice; his is the actual sound of heartbreak. The aural embodiment of yearning. I don’t know why I didn’t figure this out before, I have two other Death Cab records, their two best, 2000’s We Have the Facts and We’re Voting Yes and 2003’s absolutely fucking perfect Transatlaticism. I guess it was just somewhere below the surface, something maybe I accepted without realizing what it was. Not too much is different, Gibbard’s lyrics are still sharp and incredibly brilliant, but the highs on this one just aren’t as high as before. Death Cab is possibly the second best band that has come out of Seattle and has caused some to ponder “Is this the REM of our generation?”

Oct 25, 2005 • Music

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World Series Update

By Jared

When it comes to baseball, I’m a Cubs fan through and through. I nearly had a hernia when the debacle took place in 2003 as they dropped three in a row to the Marlins to lose the series. So when it comes to this year’s World Series, I am rooting against the White Sox. Just because all the sad memories will be revisited as the jokes come out about how at least one Chicago team can win.

But it doesn’t seem like it’s going to make a difference. The series is early but it does look as though the Sox can’t be beat. The Astros don’t have the offensive power, Bagwell and Biggio are aged while Berkman, Lamb, and Lane aren’t stepping up to the plate (that was a terrible pun; for Ward’s sake). Meanwhile the White Sox can’t seem to do anything wrong. Their pitching is stellar, both starting and relief, and guys who didn’t hit any HR’s during the regular season are hitting walk-offs in the World Series.

As a Cub fan however, I sit back and try to be optimistic, as we always are. The Red Sox won last year to quench their drought and now the White Sox are in the position to end their famine of faux pas. Maybe next year will be the year the Cubs do the same so the cycle can reset and the teams can have another 50 plus years to look forward to being upset come October.

Oct 24, 2005 • Sports

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Music Reviews

By Larry

Alright, so here it finally is: reviews of albums by Bitter Design, Nada Surf, My Morning Jacket, and Franz Ferdinand

The rating’s scale is based on a 5 star scale.

Bitter Design – The Apple House Recordings ***

Now you guys all know I’m really biased when it comes to this album. Hearing my boy’s voice on this well produced recording, reminds me of spring of ‘03 when a little band called California A.F. recorded a 4 song demo, which frankly got some harsh feedback on account of Brian’s untrained voice. But that couldn’t stop him. So now after going out on his own he comes out with this 10 song LP and proves all of his nay-sayers wrong. It seems like forever ago, but I remember going to his house when he first got his guitar. This kid was struggling to form a power chord and now he’s using it completely to his advantage. This is definitely a case of the pupil becoming the master.
The album is impressive, but still has its flaws of course: “Jealous Soul’s” refrain sounds very close to the hook used in “I Know a Girl.” Some of the timing is off but to me that is part of its charm: it’s unapologetic punk rock. Recorded in the living room (next to the kitchen) of his house in Muskegon (the Apple House), Williams handled all guitar, bass and vocal duties, drums were covered by Nick Platkowski.
This album will suprise you, especially Brian’s booming voice. He’s always spoken softly, but now he’s got himself a big stick.

Nada Surf – The Weight is a Gift ***
Barsuk

This is the one that disappointed me folks. Nada Surf got comfortable and pulled a Wes Anderson. You might remember Nada Surf’s “Popular” a heavy rotation MTV hit that spawned various Weezer and Pavement comparisons, not that those were wrong then, but far from right now. Nada Surf came into their own with 2002’s Let Go. 2002’s Let Go was their masterpiece, back to back with catchy, sad-pop ballads that were perfect note for note.
Weight is still chock full of catchy hooks but the ‘Surfers lose something with this album I can’t quite put my finger on.
Good, but if I was to recommend investigation into this band I would have to suggest buying Let Go

Franz Ferdinand – You Could Have It So Much Better ***1/2
Sony/Domino

Franz trumped all the competition with last year’s self-titled debut Franz Ferdinand. In 2-double-ought-5 they return with a pretty substantial follow-up. You Could Have It So Better, begins with the raucous revival “The Fallen.” and “Do You Want To?” They can’t help repeating themselves: “I’m Your Villain” nicks the “Hava Nagila” guitar riff that dominated “Take Me Out.” The biggest departure from their previous album, and perhaps best song, is “Eleanor Put Your Boots On.” “You Could Have It So Much Better,” the song and the album, is an angrier, and darker. The boys are happy with harmonizing and it shows best on “Fade Together” which may remind you of “So Happy Together.” A couple of extra instruments appear here and there, which helps, even though their superior debut had none of that and still rocks just a bit more.

My Morning Jacket – Z ****1/2
Ato Records

First time listener of this band. Sounds like Radiohead, the Allman Brothers, and the Kings of Leon tossed in a skillet, and deep-fried by a cook drunk on cheap wine, sour mash and/or moonshine. In fact you might even trick yourself into believing while you’re listening that Thom Yorke is actually singing, or Neil Young, or whichever one of the Eagles sang “Take it to the Limit.” Z is what happens when Aliens land in Kentucky and learn guitar by covering Clash songs. Lyrically, a standout track is “Into the Woods.” The song opens with: “A kitten on fire/ A baby in a blender” and ends with “A good showerhead/ and my right hand/ the two best lovers/ that I ever had Now if you find you agree with what I just said/ You’d better find a new love/ and let ‘em into your head” I think I can relate to that. But the track that gave me a jump is “Dondante,” the jammy, blues-heavy end track. Visually it conjures up for me images of a black-haired, blue-eyed, Southern belle dancing on a floor covered in sawdust, dripping with sweat. Something like when you hear “Freebird” and you think of Jenny stepping to the edge of the hotel-room patio, only replace the darkness with light.

Check back next week for a review of MMJ’S 2003 album It Still Moves and Death Cab For Cutie’s newest: Plans.

Oct 19, 2005 • Music

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Top Hartford Football Contests

By Jared

I just decided to make a new thread since I figured everyone would comment on this. Hope this organizes it a little better for everyone so other people know what we’re talking about.

I have a few games I thought were great.

First I’ll start with while I was in school. Scott mentioned that Watervliet game in 1999. It was full of energy and renewed our rivalry with our neighbors. I remember Jeff Holland catching that 32 and go pass from Pruiett for like 80 yards to retake the lead I think. Seeing Jeff sprinting with his tiny arms under those shoulder pads was classic, I was jumping up and down.

The Coloma game that year was pretty good too. That was when Tank or Dozer or whatever his name was, he was a junior. It was at Coloma and we beat them by like 2 or 3. But Decatur that year was awesome, even though we lost 6-0. It was all defensive, hard fought, in the trenches type of game.

I won’t mention the next season. Sorry. “For the fallen heroes.”

2001 and 2002: Pretty much blew out every team in conference. Of course there was the double overtime thriller with Decatur in 01 and the loss to Coloma the next week. The 02 debacle against Decatur, that was a terrible game. We should’ve destroyed them but we went in with an embarrassing game plan for that game.

I tried to think of more games that I remembered being close but I couldn’t really do it, not regular season anyway. With the exception of Decatur, we never were really challenged, until recently. I can remember in like 94 us losing to Watervliet then beating LMC in a great game. Maybe 98 or 97 we had a good game against Galien actually. A really good playoff game was in 95 against Union City when we lost 7-6 because Ricky Ricardo missed that extra point and the ref said Winans didn’t break the plain on that QB sneak. That was a cold day.

Oct 19, 2005 • Nostalgia, Sports

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BCS Rankings

By Mike

Its that time again. Anyone ready for some more controversy, cause I know I can’t wait?

Oct 18, 2005 • Sports

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USC, Michigan Win

By Mike

USC at Notre Dame

Billed as one of the best games of the season, and hyped up all week long, this one lived up to all expectations and more as this game will probably end up going down as one of the greatest in the USC and ND rivalry.

Notre Dame and USC traded punts early in the first quarter. After USC punted to Notre Dame, Brady Quinn got brushed and threw an errant pass that got intercepted at the 40 yard line and returned for 10 yards to the 50. One play later, the scoring got started when Reggie Bush took it to the endzone after leaping over one defender for a 36 yard touchdown run. USC went on top 7-0.

USC kicked off to Notre Dame, and the on ensuing possession Notre Dame ran a couple of plays that were hardly memorable. On fourth and one (I think it was one, all I know is that it was short) Weis made the decision to go for it deep in their own territory. Notre Dame converted, and took the ball the rest of the way down the field. Travis Thomas took it in on a nice 16 yard run to tie it up at 7-7.

USC responded relatively quickly by scoring about a minute later after 3 plays on a Lendale White 3 yard run up the middle to bring the Trojans on top again, 14-7.

Notre Dame wasted little time and responded with a 10 play 75 yard drive. Brady Quinn threw a beautiful 32 yard pass to Jeff Samardzija to tie it up at 14-14.

USC got the ball, but went three and out. Time to punt. What happened next really got my attention.

USC punted the ball to Tom Zbikowski and after several great blocks during the run had returned the punt 60 yards for a touchdown to put the Irish on top 21-14 and the score would stay that way for the rest of the first half.

Whoa, already I’m going crazy. I’m starting to think that Notre Dame is going to pull off one of the greatest upsets I’ve ever seen in my life and beat the team that started out in such dominating fashion early in the season.

Alright, so the second half begins, and the Trojans get the ball after a an Irish three and out. Reggie Bush takes it in untouched from 45 yards out on a beautifully blocked run up the middle, putting him over the century yard mark for the fifth straight game and tying the game at 21-21.

Notre Dame drives the ball several possessions later hit a 32 yard field goal to go on top 24-21.

With five minutes left in the fourth quarter, Reggie Bush (have you heard that name enough?) takes it in from 9 yards out to put the Trojans on top 28-24.

The Irish take the ball on their next possession and drive 87 yards to go on top 31-28 after Brady Quinn dives into the endzone from 5 yards with 2 minutes remaining. Irish fans were going crazy.

Ok, USC gets the ball. After a few botched plays and penalties, the Trojans end up with a fourth and 9 at their own 26. True to his Heisman winning heritage, Leinart threw a nice, almost perfect, 62 yard pass over a defensive back to Jarret to convert and set up the Trojans in scoring distance. Leinart then drops back to pass, but has no one open and tries to run it in, but gets hit at the one and has the ball come loose and go out of bounds. In error the game clock ticks down to zero and Notre Dame and her fans think they’ve just won the game. They rush the field and everyone goes wild. The referees have to clear the field, and put 7 seconds back on the clock. Trojan ball, 1st and goal at the one yard line.

Leinart calls his own number and after a lumbering spin move as well as the assistance of Reggie Bush, punches it in from one yard out to put the Trojans on top for good 34-31. In the span of only a few seconds the Irish go from winning the game to losing a heartbreaker. I couldn’t believe what I had just seen, and I figured it would be close, but not this close.

I thought that whoever could pass on who would be the team to win, but in the end, it was the running of Reggie Bush that gave the Trojans any chance to win. Sure the heroics of Leinart were huge, but other than his 301 yards passing and one yard touchdown run, he had a relatively un-Leinart like day having no passing touchdowns and two interceptions.

Even though I’m not a Notre Dame fan and I was rooting for USC, I felt like ND played the better game. They made plays on special teams, defense, and on offense when they needed it the most and they just dominated time of possession. Except for that final drive, the Irish won the game in my book. But the ending is what makes champions champions. I loved the win, and putting the time back on the clock was the right thing to do. However, the win somehow feels tainted.

What an unbelievable game.

Penn State at Michigan

I didn’t get a chance to enjoy this thriller of a Michigan victory, but I knew the Maize and Blue weren’t nearly as bad as their record indicated.

This one came down to the final second. On a fourth and four, Michigan’s Chad Henne threw a touchdown to Manningham in the back of the endzone to put the Wolverines on top 27-25. Wolverine fans everywhere went crazy.

I’ve seen the highlights of this one, and I love it. A huge win at the Big House.

This weekend had a lot of amazing college football. Too bad I have to watch the NFL on Sunday.

Oct 16, 2005 • Sports

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Traffic Report: Or What to do While Waiting

By Jared

“Forget the fuckin’ people already. I’m Phil Garza and I’m in charge here.”

Phil Garza was the FDOT (Florida Department of Transportation) Chairman. He had occupied the title for more than eight years and had done so rather awfully. He was a prick, a real self-absorbed asshole. Forgetting the people, in this case, was acceptable to Phil. He’d forgotten the people for the last eight years. One example was shutting down Florida’s coastal highway, the massive I-95. I meaning intrastate. This intrastate connected Miami to, well, Miami; Florida to Ohio. You’ve heard the folk songs.

On this day, by referencing the people, Phil Garza meant the commuters of Florida, traveling from Tampa to Orlando. The only road connecting these two cities, two of the largest in the overpopulated state, is I-4. I meaning interstate. This interstate was planned to have three lanes by 2002. What Phil was saying he was in charge of was stretching the contract deadline like John Holmes stretches, well, stretched the women of the 70’s. If you didn’t get that joke then you should put the magazine down, wipe, pull your pants up, and get off the toilet.

So Phil, the master manipulator that he was, had persuaded the road commission and numerous lobbyists to extend deadlines for the construction through the year 2006. This was fine, this I could live with.

What I couldn’t live with was the absolutely absurd amount of overwhelming traffic. Yes, it was that bad. The road was ridiculous, in the afternoon, the morning, hell even at hours that were meant for sleeping or cheating on your spouse, it was bad. At 4 AM it was like Vegas, without the lights, the prostitutes, or Wayne Newton.

On any given night, within a ten mile duration of pavement, there could be anywhere from five to seven thousand cars. Let’s just say for the sake of keeping the math simple, there are two people in each car. Carry the zero, ten to fourteen thousand people, going one way, on I-4. Phil knows this. He’s a freak, he does all the numbers in his head, doesn’t believe in calculators, says they’re arrogant.

The thing with Phil is, he’s always been a little bitch. In school the kids made quite a game of him. They called him silly Philly and insecure, egotistical Garza. Things that really struck a nerve with Phil, maybe hit too close to home. Phil always thought he was more important than other people. From the day he turned thirteen he believed one day he would affect thousands of people’s lives. He loved the idea of that importance, such responsibility.

For me, well I’m your average neurotic, philosophical, thinker, who fancies himself intelligent. Yes people do still fancy themselves, although thanks to Chuck Palahniuk I have given up ‘pearl diving.’ If you didn’t get that joke and you got the first one, then you should now wipe, pull your pants up, keep the magazine, and go to the World Wide Web and search for, “Guts” by Chuck Palahniuk. Thanks for my check. I digress. To me things are never as insignificant as they seem. I find meaning in all the events that circle, collide, and destroy life. In particular, my life, seeing as there is some unexplainable emotional attachment to the things in my life. Strange, I know but true nonetheless.

I’m driving one night, around 10 PM, Eastern Standard, on my way home from a meeting. A meeting is what I tell people to sound important because being that I am fearful of what other’s perceive of my life, I need to sound important; at least to a handful of folks anyway. I’m on I-4, you know what the I stands for, going a few MPH’s above the speed limit. Everyone else was doing it. It’s Florida, they give away licenses at eighth grade dances, as door prizes. They’re in the jar with the condoms. Suddenly, and by suddenly I mean abruptly/quickly, traffic comes to a complete stop. This is an interstate mind you, stops come because of two things on interstates: accidents and construction. Being that I’m a sympathetic human being, I hope for the latter.

So we’re stopped, I see some flashing lights and start to think. Somewhat of an oxymoron for a philosopher, I know. As I’m going over the possibilities in my head I begin to realize that I hear no sirens. Not an accident. Which is great because now I don’t have to get mad at all the passing patrons trying to get a glimpse of tragedy. Going back in my memory a tad, I remember seeing construction signs but they were miles ago. At this point I am as baffled with why I’m stopped as you are about where this story is going.

Phil Garza sits in his office in Tallahassee, drinking a Starbucks double espresso. Only a pinch of cinnamon and a dash of whip cream. He looks over a graph charting out the flow of traffic on I-4, no more I jokes, and decides to take a well-deserved, fifteen-minute, shit break. While on the way to the head, he remembers something important: the overpass that needs a new support pillar. This overpass is directly after mile marker 33 on I-4 near a city called Lakeland, nicknamed Orlampa because of it’s geographical positioning.

Phil thinks to himself, briefly, then opens the stall door. He has now realized the importance of the situation he is in. The job of fixing the overpass will take around three days. Traffic on I-4 will have to be stopped for over an hour, absolutely no movement between miles 35 and 31. Phil gets to live his self-inflating dream again.

Here I am on I-4, right before mile marker 33, Eastbound. All my gauges are resting in their off positions. I’m still baffled, bamboozled, bewildered, and the worst thing is I don’t know what’s going on. To the right of me sits a Mustang, the Ford not the animal. It’s black with an after stock muffler that hides the fact that it has a crappy little six-cylinder engine. But it looks nice. There’s a college-aged guy with spiked hair and the dream of one day being as important as Phil Garza thinks he is.

In front of me a large cargo van relaxes. Its base color is white but the painted on rainbows suggest a sense of humor. The van is loud and spits exhaust heavily in my direction. That’s where exhaust comes from, the back, which is where I was, behind him. You may have just thought to yourself, “I already knew that.” In that case skip down to the next paragraph precisely after finishing this sentence.

Behind me was, not that it matters what’s behind me, it’s in the past right? However they do say your past shapes you so, fittingly, directly behind me was a grumbling Mack Truck, the biggest bully on the road. So obnoxiously strident it caused me to think harder and harder, to block out the engine. But it also spawned a pleasant surprise; the semi enlightened me. The fact that I was certain the last thing I wanted to hear was the piercing noise from the engine, forced me to focus solely on the irony of the situation I was in. I know, even I had to read that last sentence twice.

It was the semi that made me come to the conclusion that a traffic jam is the most humbling experience a human can go through. Sitting there, completely powerless, still trying to figure out why I wasn’t moving, I gave up. After coming to realize that I could do absolutely nothing about my situation, I became very angry. I started to think about all the ways the Constitution is false. There was no democracy from where I was sitting. I’m positive that if everyone in the traffic jam were to vote on whether or not they would like to stay in the traffic jam, they would undoubtedly vote against it. Except maybe the couple a few cars ahead that was having, what appeared to be, great sex.

There were probably some movie stars, maybe a few doctors, couple of lawyers, and a professional athlete or two, stuck in traffic right along next to me. No matter what their social status, they weren’t going anywhere. What could they do? Nothing. Just sit and wait for traffic to start moving again. That’s humbling. When in a traffic jam, people become people, no fancy business cards, no investment portfolios, and no titles. Just sit there and wait for traffic to start moving again.

At this point Phil was comfortably asleep under his Sears bought comforter set, dreaming of how great he was. I’m sitting alone on I-4 drinking an Amp energy drink and Phil Garza’s snoozing in his townhouse. He’s having dreams about the tens of thousands of people that he has control over at this moment. After all, he calls the shots; he’s in charge here. He decided for me, the college kid, the doctors, the lawyers, the couple having sex, the athlete, the movie stars, and the four little Indians in the back of the cargo van, where we’d all be at this moment. Sweet dreams Phil.

So what can we do? All of us could smash into each other, cause thousands of insurance claims, and bring the system down but the college kid in the ‘Stang couldn’t do that to his “ass-getter mobile.” We could all get pissed off and honk our horns and cuss one another out but who wants to fight with someone who’s in the same situation. That’s why homeless people get along. We could write letters to Phil Garza telling him how preposterous he is and how he should do his wife a favor and blow his fucking brains out. But Phil’s too callous to care about the people and he’s way too important to kill himself. So what do we do? Just accept the fact that life will go on whether traffic on I-4 does or not, put in our hour, and bitch to ourselves. How is that healthy?

What bothers me more than sitting still is the fact that I don’t know why I’m sitting still. I need explanation. Then I’ll be fine. I’ll drive on, give the finger to the construction workers, go home, and write a story about how I figured out life.

It wasn’t until morning, when I discovered the truth of the situation I was in, that I found my explanation. Having moved only a single mile in about 95 minutes the night before, I found someone to blame for the inconvenience, Phil Garza. Watching the morning news, the real truth, it’s all lies in the evening, I was learned by the always-attractive Julie Davis. She told me exactly what I relayed though out the story because this was written after I found out. I know the tense jumps back and forth; it’s an artistic thing. Blame it on craft, all the bad writers do.

That morning, the morning after my epiphany, I decided to change the way I looked at things. I was still analyzing the events from the previous night. I was thinking about the doctors and lawyers, obviously they are better people than me. At least that’s what my parents told me as a child. Thinking about the more important people, like the actors and the athletes. Everyday on the news Julie Davis tells me that these people are more important. If she says it and she’s on TV, it has to be true. So if I was sitting in the same shit hole condition as the better, more important people, and they’re just as helpless as me, then I’m equal to them. Traffic jams are humbling and they level the playing field, if only for an hour.

So what do I do now? I’m still pissed about missing the ‘Rebel Billionaire’ and want to tell Phil Garza he’s a prick. But what I’m thinking is that he probably loves the hate mail. Hate is such a stronger emotion, harder to command. I can always tell someone everything they want to hear and have them fall in love with me but hate is much harder. It’s easy to have someone say, “Yeah, I don’t really like that guy,” but to have someone say, “I fucking hate that fucking guy,” that’s a gift only a few people have. Phil prided himself on having that gift. Hitler was much more important than Gandhi. Phil was the Hitler of the Florida Department of Transportation.

Here’s what I do. I sit down at the kitchen table in my studio apartment and start writing a letter to Phil Garza. I tell him how great he is, how he changed my life, how being on I-4 absolutely made me a better person. The United States was a better place because of him and if everyone could sit in a traffic jam orchestrated by Phil Garza they would donate $115.32 to charity. I told him everything he wanted to hear. Everything he had dreamed about since turning thirteen years old. In all the years working for the FDOT he had never received a letter actually telling him what he wanted to hear.

Twenty minutes after reading the letter Phil Garza wiped, pulled his pants up, washed his hands, and shot himself in the head.

Sometimes it’s the things in life you don’t have that wake you up in the morning.

Oct 14, 2005 • Literature and Fiction

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Monthly Fiction Coming Soon

By Jared

As promised I am going to write up a little diddy. It should make for a good read. It’s going to be a comedy about a guy and a misterious watermelon. Just kidding. It’s going to have something to do with a guy, his smoking jacket, some destruction to household appliances, a camera, and two hookers.

Look for it in about a week.

Oct 13, 2005 • Literature and Fiction

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